Today is September 8

We first talked on March 17 and first met on April 20. (I finally figured that out for real!)

We had several runs, and for a while we had two very different relationships. Sometimes we talked and sometimes we didn’t. Sometimes I would go on a month-long hiatus and sometimes you would decide you were done with all of the inconsistencies and emotion-provoking tendencies inherent in my crazy, yet very Scorpio, personality.

You are a funny thing. From the moment I began to text you I was intrigued, but as you have come to understand, I was not quite myself yet. But I bit the bullet (😛) and met you. And then I understood that I’d be seeing you a lot for a while. You were such a Scorpio but let me absolutely grill you for over an hour. You were honest, insightful, and driven, and I wanted more.


But we weren't quite there yet

21 MAY 2015

Hi, so I knew at least I needed to sleep on it. My head and thoughts are a lot more organized. I agree that there is a degree of discomfort between us. I don't think this was always the case but it was definitely there yesterday. I don't know why but I don't think it's pleasurable either. 

I also agree that when I truly want to do something, I do it. It's true in many cases of work and social situations and really everything in my life. Of course I'm always honest with my family but when I'm sure about something, I don't back down. Which makes me think that when I choose to not do something, I don't actually want to do it even if I say so. 

I know I need to work on expressing my emotions and being more me. I've been aware of it for a while now. I don't keep happiness inside though and that's a huge part of who I am. It's the "weaker" more vulnerable emotions I don't let escape and I've definitely improved. Maybe not with you so much but with people I've known longer. 

I still think that you are one of my soul mates and that I was meant to meet you. Maybe we'll meet again but I have a feeling that at this time, we may have reached our limit as "whatever that means." I feel that both of us want to be more into each other/this relationship, but we aren't. Maybe it's because we aren't for one another or maybe for some other reason that we won't figure out. But I think we should accept it as it is. Working on something like this should not be like pulling teeth. (Too strong of an analogy... But you know what I mean).

I LOVE talking with you. I LOVE spending time with you. Even with all that, it actually pains me to say that, you're right. This is it, for now at least. 

I obviously don't want any hard feelings, and there aren't many on my side but I want you to talk it through with me if there are on yours.

This also doesn't mean we don't know each other. Text me if you see an article id like. Text me you finally watch bridesmaids. I'll send you postcards. I'll text you when I'm eating something extravagant. Text me when you think of me. 

Let me know when you've taken all this in.

With love,

Tijana


It came back, though.

So let me talk a little about you.

There was a time I was afraid I wouldn't get to "meet" you.

You are an incredible girl. You are (notactually)literally fresh air. Devoid of many American cultural assumptions and assertions embedded into a majority of people growing up with us, your personality emanates the perfect essence of a blank slate. 

You value living over the things that distract most of us from living. You're curious and adventurous, and your duality of being both an old soul and an awe-seeking child is something that I not only admire, but can only aspire to approach. You give first and take second (or never). You know what's important to you and what makes you you.

You're kind, accepting, and tolerant. You're smart, driven, and humble. You're sometimes a total hot mess (see left), but you're fun and you're adorable. Your commitment to introspection and self-exploration to further know yourself is nothing short of inspiring.

All we are is all we are. You do you, always. 


You've changed me

In so many ways that maybe you haven't even noticed. You changed me, my personality, my interests, and my entire outlook on life. You have only been a positive influence for me, and a great one at that. You helped me stop defining my worth and identity with my work, my money, my apartment, my car, my social standing, and much, much more. You've helped me see that I am who I am. I am what I say I am, and how I treat people, and how I think about myself.

Sure, there are some side effects. Now I want to get rid of my BMW and quit my job ( 😛 ), but I trust myself to find a balance soon enough.

Most importantly, and it's become incredibly obvious to me, you were the person that I was supposed to meet at this point in my life. Never before have I been so sure of anything. Ever.


Now we somehow find ourselves here

Obviously, we have no idea what that means and we’ve mutually decided (or backed into a decision) to just calm the fuck down and go with it.

You get me more than anyone else has before. And that's tremendously comforting.